When I was a kid, I think I had several 'dream jobs'. I wanted to be a businesswoman like my mom. Then realised I wasnt a keen pusher of anything. I wanted to be a vet - but I wouldnt be able to put down so many animals and not cry bucketloads everytime. I wanted to be a fashion designer( all girls dream of this at some point of their lives, I reckon) - but then I discovered how I don't have the patience for sewing and the superficiality of dressing ppl up for a living. I would have liked to be a singer or a songwriter but my lack of music inclination became painfully obvious when i started cringing at the sound of my own voice.

And would you know it, I ended up as a journalist. It was totally by accident, thanks to my dad but I thought, hey, this is something I could actually do well. And its different, and its exciting and it involves constant learning.

Well, not anymore. I am exactly where I imagined myself to be since some four years ago, having left my local town newspaper for some kind of academic qualification and then easily moved on to a national paper, owning my own car(along with a hefty loan) and buying my own way in life. On paper, its all good.

But its kinda like climbing this huge mountain you've admired from afar, thinking the view must be spectacular from up there. So you trudge your way up with heaved breaths. Once you reach the top its like 'Hey! I did it! Triumph!' . But your view of the world is clouded with fog and smoke and theres nothing else for you to do up there. Now you cant go any higher up and you don't wanna leave either cos your climb up here would've been for nothing.

Oh god damnit, I sound like a philosophying monkey.

Point is, I seem to be stuck in a horrible, muddy rut at work. I'm not sure what I can do to regain that zest, that interest, in it anymore. I get up late, and I bum around all day in the office, I know this is not gonna get me a good appraisal and I've actually come to accept that.

I wasnt always like this. I think I stopped caring not too long after I got transferred back home. In the beginning I was a real go-getter, not claw my way up enthusiastic, but I really enjoyed the rush, and really wanted to show what I've got. Now I just do whatever I have to.

I wish I could do more, but I don't know what to do, and I don't know where to start. I feel like crying when I think I'll have to do this for years on end and I realise I cant.

I'm not the sort whos gonna sit through routine and suck it in cos I have to, cos its the 'right' thing to do, cos there doesnt seem to be anything better. There has to be. I need to be doing something I love, and the realisation that this isnt it is painful. Cos honestly, I dont know what else I can do as well.

The only option that comes to mind, is to leave, and get a proper academic qualification. abroad, preferably. I have no idea how I'm going to make that happen cos my father isnt too happy abt my leaving a perfectly respectable, well-paying job to go back n study.

"Most people study cos they want a job, respectable, well-paying job," he said. And in a way thats true. But Im not like him. I know I wont be able to hold down a job for what? 30 years? To get up every morning n do the same thing over and over and over again. Well maybe later in life, I will feel a fondness for mind-numbing tasks, but right now, I need things to MOVE.

I really really hope that my trip to Manila at the end of the month, will change things. Sorry to pile on the expectations but I am really counting on it to lift my spirits.

Oh man, this is heavy thoughts for an early Tuesday morning.

Last night was our annual Sabah Press Awards, which is THE night for us reporters in Sabah. Yes, we get acknowledged for our snooping skills and ability to put our biased thoughts on paper and influence people how to think, we get to showcase our bizarre talents in singing tonelessly and acting like right fools in our drunken states and we get to mingle with the corporate figures of Sabah.

Where does the line of being assertive and being a plain bitch end? Its such a thin, thin, microscopic line sometimes.

My head is in a spin right now, so i apologise for spewing nonsense. I always get comments of people telling me I'm too outspoken or straightforward and well, I'm trying to tone down the honesty.
Guess maybe I should start being two-faced instead.

Man...I need to mellow down.